


I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

by lexterminate



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex's Parents Suck, Angst, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, chekhov's pink hoodie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28251732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexterminate/pseuds/lexterminate
Summary: This is my lalex fic wrapped in a willex fic. It's going to be 4 parts and this is part 1. Enjoy!!I will add tags as I go.
Relationships: Alex / Luke, Alex / Willie, Willex - Relationship, lalex
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	1. You're the Closest to Heaven That I'll Ever Be and I Don't Wanna Go Home Right Now

Alex and Willie were at their favorite spot, the empty modern art exhibit at the museum. They liked to go there and just hang out alone together.

They both sat cross-legged on the stone bench, knees and fingertips touching. Alex grabbed Willie’s hand and squeezed it. “This is fun,” he admitted, his voice soft. “I like just being here with you.”

“I like it too,” Willie smiled. He tilted his head slightly, watching Alex’s face. “You seem anxious. What’s on your mind?”

“I’m just thinking,” Alex was speaking almost to himself. His relationship with Willie was so new and so good. He hadn’t felt this good about anything since before he died...back when he was dating his best friend and it seemed so much like love could really conquer all (even if it couldn’t and didn’t, the feeling was still real).

“I just… wanted to tell you a story. My story,” Alex explained. “if you want to hear it.”

Willie nodded. “Of course I do, I’m all ears. Let’s hear it, hot dog.”

Alex cracked half a smile at the silly pet name. “Yeah, okay,” he laughed. “Things were a lot different in the nineties. It wasn’t cool to be out and proud, but Luke was and I admired him for it. My parents were homophobes and the only people who really knew me were Luke and Reggie.”

“I’m sorry you went through that, Alex. It’s good you had them,” Willie locked eyes with Alex, still holding his hand.

“They really were and are the best band and best friends I could have asked for,” Alex admitted. He paused for a moment and Willie waited with anticipation.

“And…” He prompted.

“And it’s a long story, I dated Luke for awhile. Highlights include Luke encouraging me come out to my parents and them rejecting me, so I broke up with him. I overreacted, but I’m happy to tell you all about it because... I just want you to know who I am.”

“I do know who you are, Alex, but I want to hear it from you; I want you to tell me.” Willie smiled softy as Alex started his story.

…

Luke Patterson and I were best friends. We still are obviously, but this was then. Luke, Reggie, and I were starting Sunset Curve and looking for a rhythm guitarist. Luke had written a whole book of songs and was getting really good at playing the guitar he got for his 16th birthday. This was before our lives started changing forever – before Luke ran away from home, before I came out, and before Reggie’s parents’ fighting got so bad that he couldn’t be around them.

Luke’s always been comfortable in his skin.

He learned from a young age that the best person he could be was himself. His mom taught him that and so that’s who he’s always been. It never crossed his mind to be afraid of loving someone because of what his parents might think. In fact, he even told me that he came home one day at like age 12 and told his mom that he liked a boy and she accepted that because she knew he was being genuine and then a few weeks later, he told her he met a cute girl. She always just let him figure out who it was he wanted to be on his own and he did.

From behind the drums, I could keep the beat and just watch as he moved around the stage, charming the audience with his voice and a 1000-watt smile. It was impossible not to get sucked into his electric magnetism. I know because sometimes my heart skipped a beat just watching him.

I wasn’t in love with him, but I thought I was. All his confidence and swagger, that was real. That was just who Luke was. He wasn’t acting up on the stage; he was performing. He gave of himself to the crowd every night, his talent and his energy and his love. It was addicting to see.

Brad practices were always fun; loud, high energy explosions of creativity. Luke was always amped up to eleven and he hyped Reggie and I up to his level for long, grueling practices; four hours when we had school, eight hours on weekends, and sometimes twelve hours if we had a gig scheduled. We rehearsed songs over and over and over.

We didn’t mind cause our home lives weren’t the best, so band practice was a paradise and it felt good to have a goal. Luke wanted to be a rock star, but it wasn’t about the fame or the money. He really cared about his message and about using his music to connect to people. For him, that’s what it was about and we were happy to follow him into the fray.

“That was really great, guys, but I think we can do better.” Luke was pulling the guitar strap over his head, so he could set it down. “Something is still missing in our sound, we might need to audition for a fourth member, maybe someone with a better space for us to practice in.”

The music room at school wasn’t available to us after hours and none of us wanted to be around our parents. Luke had some connections, but it was a lot of work to lug our gear from place to place just for practice, so it would be nice to find somewhere permanent to rehearse and if we could get a fourth band member in the process, that would be a bonus.

“Hey, Alex,” Luke stopped me as I was packing up my drum kit. “I just wanted to tell you that you were great today, really.”

I shrugged. “It wasn’t anything.” Drumming came naturally to me. It was weird. Every day of my life was so chaotic and out of tune, but when I was behind the drums, I had full control.

“Seriously, man. You gotta own you’re awesomeness. You’re what holds this whole band together. Without you, I’m just a guy with a guitar and Reggie, great as he is, is a slightly different string sound. You bring balance; the cog in the machine that makes it work,” He explained in his complicated, not quite complete metaphors, but I got what he meant.

“Yeah, thanks, Luke.” I gave him a genuine smile and he clapped me on the back.

“That’s what I’m saying,” he encouraged, grinning. “Be loud, be proud.”

When we did decide to date, it was slow and fast all at once. I’d stay late after band practice while he worked on song lyrics and we talked about us, our lives and our dreams. All Luke wanted was for Sunset Curve to be the best. I’ve never seen anyone live and breathe music the way that Luke did and still does. It’s a part of who he is.

I had met Luke in a little downtown record store where the owner let Luke work for a few hours after school. I was checking out Weezer’s Blue album that had just come out and he came over to talk shop.

“That album’s killer. The drummer really shreds,” he told me.

“Really?” I asked, having just started fooling around on the drums a few months prior. I wasn’t any good, not yet anyway.

“Yeah, it’s awesome. Do you play?” Luke was wearing a pink hoodie that looked a little big on his lanky frame. The sleeves were pushed up to his elbows.

I swallowed, a little nervous now that he was asking me about myself. “A little. I just started.”

He got so excited, I nearly jumped out of my skin. “Oh cool!” He was speaking just a little too loud. “I just started learning guitar. I love it.” His excitement literally vibrated out of him.

I smiled, still a bit uneasy. “Yeah? That’s pretty awesome. Maybe we could jam sometime. I have a friend who plays bass,” I offered, though I didn’t think he’d really jump at the opportunity so fast.

“That would be the best. You know, I’ve always wanted to start a band,” he admitted and the rest is history. We’ve been playing together ever since and the longer I know him, the more he seems unreal or even ethereal. I was mesmerized and sometimes, I still am.

One day, he made the first move.

Reggie had reluctantly gone home home to have dinner and it was just us. I had been in a pattern of spending as little time at home as possible.

“Remember when we met and you asked me to jam with you and Reggie?” He asked me, a big grin on his face. “You’re the reason we’re here now, the reason Sunset Curve exists.”

“I didn’t… I just thought it could be fun,” I laughed softly, fidgeting with my drumstick.

“It can be so much more than just fun, Alex. You know, it’s always been us. Me and you,” He told me and when I looked at him, he was smiling.

“What?” I asked just before he leaned in and kissed me.

It only lasted a couple of seconds, but time seemed to slow. My heart fluttered and when he pulled back to see my reaction, I started to lean in more, not wanting the kiss to end so soon. Our faces were still close, noses just barely touching. I swallowed trying to calm my anxious heart. “What was that for?” I whispered.

“Because we’ve been through a lot together and the more I’m with you, the more it feels like us against the world. I remember when you told me that you liked boys, you were so nervous and I’d been out for awhile. I was so touched that you trusted me, that you saw me…and I can see you now and you’re beautiful, Alex,” His voice was barely above a whisper and he touched my face with his calloused fingertips.

“Luke…” I was at a loss for words, but I nodded and he kissed me again, even softer than the first kiss and in that moment I wanted him more than anything and I kissed back harder, grabbing the back of his neck with my hand to keep him close. When we finally pulled apart, I asked him breathless, “So... does this mean we’re boyfriends now?”

He just grinned at me.

…

“Do I need to jealous of Luke?” Willie asked, but his smile and the tip of his tongue poking through his teeth told Alex he was joking. “It’s only been what? 25 years.”

Alex laughed.

“Of course not, babe,” he assured him, “It’s all about you now.”

Alex reached out his hand and tucked Willie’s long brown hair behind his ear and kissed him. Willie sighed and leaned into him, wrapping an arm around his back to pull Alex closer.

“Aren’t you just the sweetest?” Willie giggled. “So what happened after you and Luke became boyfriends?”

“Who me? Sweet… I mean, I guess so,” Alex smiled, resting his forehead against Willie’s. “Luke and I had a normal relationship, it was good until I came out, but that wasn’t Luke’s fault.”

“What do you mean?” Willie asked, concerned.

“When Luke suggested that I come to my parents, he wanted me to know that it wasn’t about us or him, but about me. He could see how unhappy I was and how I never felt like myself around my parents. He just wanted me to be free of that weight on my shoulders. He never forced me either, I chose to come out on my own and was upset with the result. It all just really sucked,” He explained for a long time and then sighed, “But it’s all in the past now and everything’s different.”

“Luke really cared about you,” Willie pointed out.

“Yeah, and it’s really because of him that I’m finally happy being me,” Alex said, pulling his pink hoodie sleeves over his hands.

“You should be happy being you,” Willie agreed, “cause I think you’re pretty awesome.”

Alex blushed and couldn’t help another grin, “Yeah, I think you’re pretty awesome too, Willie.”


	2. I Don't Want the World to See Me Cause I Don't Think That They'd Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, chapter 2 features sunset curve auditions for a rhythm guitarist and Lalex goes on a date and we learn a little more about Alex's parents. Also Willex is still adorable, obviously.

“So is it weird if I tell you about Luke and I’s first date?” Alex asked Willie.

“Probably, but I still want you to tell me,” He laughed. “I think it’s interesting. You’re interesting and I want to know everything about you.”

“Noted.”

Alex stood up to stretch his legs and reached for Willie’s hand to pull him up beside him. Sometimes it was nice to walk around hand-in-hand and look at the artwork. “So on our first date, Luke packed up a blanket, a bunch of food, and his guitar and he took me to this secluded field in the middle of the night so we could stargaze,” he explained.

“Sounds romantic,” Willie replied.

“Definitely. He even played me a song he wrote for me and gave me this hoodie for when I got cold,” Alex admitted.

“Woah, he’s quite the gentlemen and you still wear the hoodie.”

“Well, I don’t know if I’d call him a gentleman, but it is comfy…” Alex defended himself, “and sentimental.”

“He gave you a lot more than a hoodie,” Willie stated wisely.

“Yeah, I guess he did.”

...

I spent that first night with Luke. My family was never one to keep tabs on me because they were too busy with affairs of the state. My dad, Matthew Mercer, worked as a state governor and had very high standards, but as long as nothing happened in his house under his watch, he didn’t much care what it was.

Luke held me and I fell asleep wrapped in his embrace and at the time, I had never felt safer or more loved, more seen. I was actually truly happy and anxiety free for the first time that I could remember.

I didn’t know what being in a relationship with Luke meant, but I trusted him even though looking back, it wasn’t an easy path for either of us.

He woke me up in the morning with a gentle forehead kiss and whispered, “Time to get up, sleepy head. Band practice in a few hours and we’re auditioning rhythm guitarists today.”

I had forgotten about the auditions. “Mmm… morning,” I mumbled still half asleep, my bones heavy and slow-moving. Luke had a couch that we shared last night, but it definitely wasn’t made for two. At least he was awake and moving. Possibly, he had been up for hours perfecting one of his songs. I noticed he had covered me with a blanket and seeing how much he cared warmed my heart. I smiled to myself, sitting up and folding the blanket. “You been up for long?” I asked him.

“Just a couple hours. I was writing; you’re gonna love these new lyrics I wrote for Impossible Dream,” He told me, closing his notebook and tossing a Wildberry Poptart at me. “You should eat something before rehearsal.”

“Thanks,” I murmured as I ripped open the foil package and started to munch on the Poptart.

“Tonight after band practice and auditions, you want to do something?” Luke asked suddenly.

“I can’t tonight. Dad texted last night. Something about an important dinner guest and needing the whole family to impress them.” I hated family dinners, but in the Mercer family, you do as your told. “Sorry, but I can make it up to you next week.”

Luke looked sad, but he nodded. He knew how much it hurt me to be around my parents. “Sounds like a plan. That gives me more time to prepare anyway.”

“I can’t wait,” I told him and I really meant it. I would’ve given anything to be able to just not have to deal with the stress of being me.

…

Auditions were a fairly boring affair. No one showed, so we were just sat there with our instruments killing time in the school music room, just waiting.

“So I guess we’re not finding that rhythm guitarist today,” I started to say when a boy walked in. He didn’t have an instrument, but he looked like he had something he wanted to say.

“Hi,” Luke greeted the boy with his 1000-watt smile, “We’re Sunset Curve.”

“Tell your friends,” Reggie cut him off.

“I’m Luke. Lead vocals. Guitar. Lyricist.” He introduced himself.

“Alex. Drums.”

“I’m Reggie. I play bass.”

“Bobby,” the boy said.

“Are you here to audition?” Luke asked.

Bobby nodded. “Yeah, I’m here for auditions, but I don’t have a guitar.”

“Oh… well, you can use one of mine for now,” Luke offered. “You should probably buy your own soon though, so you can get practice hours in when you’re not with us.” He picked up the extra electric guitar by the neck and passed it over to bobby, who took it and took his time getting settled.

“How long have you been playing,” I asked Bobby, twirling the drumstick between my fingers.

“A year or so, but I don’t get a lot of time to practice,” He admitted, making an A chord with his left hand and strumming. The chord rang out hollowly in the room.

He moved his fingers deftly from chord to chord trying to find a sound he liked.

“You have a lot of potential,” Luke told him, “but you’re definitely going to need your own guitar and a lot more practice to play with Sunset Curve.”

Bobby nodded, “Right. Of course.” He started to get into a rhythm with his strumming. Pounding out a G chord.

“That’s great, man. I think we can find a way to make this work,” Luke told him, grinning. “One more question. You wouldn’t happen to know a good place for us to have band practice?” He was hopeful.

“Actually, yeah. I do,” Bobby affirmed, pushing his hand through his hair. “My aunt has this huge garage that’s been converted into a studio. I’m sure she’d let us use it.”

“Oh, that sounds nice.” Reggie nodded his head, excitedly.

“He’s right, it does sound nice,” I agreed.

Luke laughed, still grinning from ear to ear. “Well, then. I guess everyone’s in agreement. Welcome to Sunset Curve, Bobby. We can put together a practice schedule for you as soon as you get that guitar.”

Bobby smiled back. “Great. Awesome. I should be able to pick one up this week,” He said, pulling off Luke’s guitar and passing it back to him.

“Perfect. We can’t wait to play with you.”

“And see your aunt’s studio,” Reggie admitted.

“Yeah, both those things sound great,” I said, lightly drumming to keep any nervousness at bay. I knew Luke was waiting for Bobby to leave before we talked to Reggie.

I didn’t think Reggie wouldn’t be happy for us, but the thought of telling anyone was always nerve-wracking. Not to mention that another person knowing I was dating Luke made the relationship that much more real. I swallowed, looking at everyone in the room, not really hearing them.

I blinked and then Bobby was gone.

“Cool, so practice over or we doing something else?” Reggie asked, bouncing lightly on his feet.

“Just one more thing,” Luke said, almost to himself as he made his way over to my side. Reggie tilted his head to watch.

We made eye contact and Luke cracked half a smile to comfort me. It felt like he was saying _It’s only Reggie, he’s your best friend._

I nodded, looking over at Reggie, “We had something that we wanted to tell you.”

Luke grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“Really? What is it?” Reggie asked, curiosity sparking behind his eyes as he noticed us holding hands.

“Well, we… Luke and I,” I started to say, my mouth suddenly feeling dry.

Luke didn’t try to interrupt me. He wanted to me to feel comfortable telling Reggie.

“We’re together. Luke’s my boyfriend,” I finally said, exhaling for the first time in a full minute.

“Reggie’s face broke out into a huge grin. “That’s amazing. I’m so happy for both of you.” He made his way over to us and clapped Luke on the back.

Luke was still holding my hand and wouldn’t let go.

_I’m so proud of you_

He mouthed at me when he caught my eye and my heart beat faster.

“Let’s get out of here. I’m starving,” Luke said and we packed up our stuff so we could leave.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Reggie waved and left, giving us our space.

“You gonna be okay tonight at dinner with your parents?” Luke asked, his voice soft.

“Sure, I’ll be fine,” I nodded, scratching the back of my head and pulling lightly on a few strands of hair.

Luke wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer to him. “Let me know how it goes.”

I nodded leaning into him wishing I could stay forever. “Okay… Better get going so I’m not late.”

“Good luck,” Luke told me, tilting his chin up so our lips could meet. I waited for an extra beat before pulling back, not wanting to leave.

As I was headed out the door, Luke threw something pink at me. I caught it in my hands and held it out in front of me. It was his hoodie from the first time we met.

He smiled again. That boy never stopped smiling. “Bring it on our date, it might get cold.”

“Thanks.”

“See you soon.” Luke watched me put on the hoodie before I left and then I headed back home to my parents big dinner. It was going to be a long night.

…

“So where are we going?” I asked Luke.

We had been walking around at night for almost half an hour, hand in hand. I knew he wanted to surprise me so I hadn’t asked, but the suspense was killing me.

“We’re almost there. Just a little further into this clearing,” Luke said, pointing up ahead of us even though it mostly just darkness. A crescent moon hung in the sky above us along with a whole galaxy of stars. I hadn’t taken the hoodie off since Luke gave it to me. It was warm and safe and smelled like him. My parents were none too happy about me wearing a hoodie to their dinner, but I didn’t much care and they didn’t want to make a fuss in front of their guests.

“We’re here,” Luke announced in the middle of this great big empty field, putting down his backpack and guitar case.

“And where is here,” I asked, curious as Luke was pulling a big blanket from his backpack and spreading it out on the grass, followed by some sodas and bags of chips and cookies.

“Paradise,” Luke joked with a small laugh. “It’s actually just a place I found when I was wandering around at night after a fight with mom.”

I frowned. It sucked when Luke and his mom fought. As nice as Emily was, it always seemed to worry her that Luke would never make anything of himself and she didn’t seem to want to see how happy music made her son. “Well, it’s beautiful here,” I said, looking at his face. He was beautiful here.

We sat down on the blanket together.

“You never got to tell me how dinner with your parents went,” Luke questioned, cracking open a soda and taking a drink.

“We’ve been busy, I guess. It was fine… long, boring, mostly not worth mentioning.” I coughed, clearing my throat. _Claustrophobic_ was another word I could use to describe the dinner, but I didn’t want to worry Luke.

“Mostly? It’s just me, Alex, we’re alone here.” Luke sounded concerned and he took my hand, looking in my eyes.

“It’s nothing, really. Just that person my parents invited to dinner asked me if I had a girlfriend,” I explain, my voice quiet.

“What did you tell them?” Luke asked, putting the drink down beside him so he could focus all his energy on me.

“I didn’t… I just shook my head. I panicked.” Luke pulled me close and held me.

“It’s okay. That’s okay. You’re okay,” he spoke softly, petting my hair and comforting me.

“It’s not okay, Luke. I’m not okay. My parents kept going on and on about how they couldn’t wait for me to bring home a pretty girl … and I just sat there staring blankly at my food, completely catatonic.” I was trying to breathe through my nose to calm down, but I was shaking with sobs. Luke kept rubbing my back while I cried. It took several minutes before I was able to talk again and Luke had given me a water bottle he found in his back.

“Do you want to tell them about us?” He asked me, seriously. “It’s your choice, really.”

“Yes? No? I don’t know,” I admitted, downing half the bottle of water because my throat was so dry. “I want to, but I’m scared.”

“We’re all scared, Alex, but you deserve better than this. You deserve to be seen and one day, when you’re ready, you will be seen. It’s not always gonna be like this,” He told me, kissing the top of my head before untangling himself from our embrace. “Anyway, I wrote something for you and now seems as good a time as any to play it.”

“You did?” I hiccoughed.

“Yeah, well, I had some extra time,” he explained while pulling out his acoustic guitar. “It’s called Lost Boy and I hope you like it.”

You’ve been out here

kickin’ up dust and looking all sad

but nothing in life is ever so bad

Come on, lost boy,

Smile for me

I know, I know just how

bright you can be.

Lost boy

When I found you

Everything about you

Just freakin’ blew

my mind

I’d never had a song written about me, let alone actually been serenaded, but both of those things were suddenly happening simultaneously. I was mesmerized by Luke’s voice, his words, his smile. I sat cross-legged on the blanket watching him perform for only me. His eyes met mine and I knew that he knew me. I didn’t fully understand what he could see inside of me, but I knew whatever it was that it was real and he thought it was beautiful.

You think that you’re worth less

But the real truth is no one’s best

is better than what I see in you

Lost boy

Shine your light

Shine it so bright

Let me love you

Lost boy

Let me love you

I could fall in love with you.

Looking at Luke in that moment, it was so easy to think I could fall in love with him. He was this light in the night, and he put his whole heart on display, vulnerable to anyone who happened to see – and I could see him, all of him. He was all passion and heart; never did anything half-way. So, when he performed for me, the earth stopped turning. No one existed except for us and I didn’t ever want to let that go. If I was with Luke, then I knew I was safe and everything would be okay.

Lost boy

When I found you

Everything about you

Just freakin’ blew

my mind

You keep running

Running through my brain

and we’ll be singing this song

together in the rain

Until you give me one of your smiles

and all the world around you

Lights up for miles

Because Lost boy

When I found you

Everything about you

Just freakin’ blew

my mind

And I believe in you

Lost boy,

I believe

in you

When Luke finished the song, he came over to me in my stunned silence, placing his guitar on the ground before reaching for my hands to pull me to my feet and into his arms. He hummed softly in my ear, and we danced in circles, moving across the empty patches of grass. The stars above us twinkled brightly in the sky and when he dipped me, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. That’s when he kissed me and the world started spinning again.

Everything had gone quiet before, but now I felt alive in his embrace. His confidence gave me hope and his love made me fearless. My life and my love had nothing to do with anyone who didn’t accept me for me, and I had Luke to thank for that.

We had made our way back to our picnic blanket and we’re tangled in each other as we let ourselves fall to our knees, kissing and groping and exploring. I trusted Luke completely and in that moment, we just wanted to be close, intimate. I wanted to know his body as much as I knew his spirit, like discovering an ancient and foreign planet that still felt so much like home. I never wanted it to end.

Luke put a hand over my heart, grabbing at the hoodie that used to be his. “You know, you should keep this. I think it looks better on you anyway,” he mumbled and leaned in to kiss me again.

Eventually, we just cuddled together, wrapped around each other. It couldn’t have been more perfect.

…

“The thing about being with Luke was he was the first person who saw me as me,” Alex explained, “and at the time, it was what I really needed.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Willie nodded. “It’s like he helped you learn to see yourself.”

The blonde boy smiled. “Exactly that, yes.”

“So what do you see now?” He asked Alex.

“I see someone who is unafraid of love and who is so happy to have found his person….my person,” he said softly, just above a whisper, getting more into Willie’s space so they could kiss again. He couldn’t get enough of kissing him.

“And who’s that?” Willie teased.

“Oh, I don’t know, just some skater boy, you probably don’t know him,” Alex played along, trying to hold back his giggles as they made their way back to the stone bench, so they could just sit and talk some more.

“What’s his name?”

“William,” Alex admitted as both of their faces broke into grins. He reached over and pulled Willie’s face in so they could kiss and Willie grabbed onto the sleeves of Alex’s hoodie.

“Luke’s right, you know, that hoodie does look good on you,” Willie agreed between kisses.

“Oh yeah?” Alex smiled. “Thanks, Babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are enjoying reading. Please feel free to leave kudos or comments cause I love hearing from you. Thx <3


	3. Sooner or Later It's Over, I Just Don't Wanna Miss You Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Angst. Alex's Coming Out Story.

“So I guess we’ve reached the part of my story where things start to fall apart,” Alex explained to Willie. The blonde held out his hand for his boyfriend, who took it and gave it a light squeeze.

“Take your time,” Willie spoke softly, “There’s no where else I’d rather be than right here… with you.”

Alex gave a tight smile, “It’s upsetting to think that I broke up with the most supportive person in my life because my parents were mean to me… like it’s just seems really dumb.”

“It’s not dumb… you overreacted because you were hurting and your parents don’t deserve you, but that doesn’t mean you’re not affected by their callousness.” Willie’s thumb was making soothing circles on Alex’s skin.

Alex stared into Willie’s eyes for a moment, letting himself get lost in them. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and blinked.

“Yeah I know, but it just seemed so wrong not because Luke and I were ever truly meant to be, but I really hurt him in that moment and it just felt bad,” Alex sighed.

“I get that, so what about your parents? Do you want to talk about that?” Willie asked.

“Yeah, I do – I’m avoiding it cause It still hurts after all these years.” Alex nodded.

“It’s okay. There’s no rush. Tell your story how you want to tell it,” Willie encouraged.

...

So I guess I should talk about the band. Bobby had just joined Sunset Curve; he finally got his own guitar and we started rehearsing in his aunt’s garage studio, which was wicked cool. It felt like home in a way that our own homes didn’t, at least for Reggie and me. I knew that Luke and his mom fought about him spending all of his time with the band, but out of all of us, he had it the best.

Luke dive-bombed the couch as soon as we stepped into the new space. “Bobby, man this is so awesome. Let’s see your new six-string,” He told our newest band member, who brought the red electric guitar over from a corner of the room.

“Looks great,” Luke said, admiring the guitar. “How’s it sound?”

Bobby through the strap over himself and plugged the guitar into his Fender amp and started testing out a couple different cords. I could see Luke tilt his head slightly, ear toward the sound of Bobby playing.

He bit his lip as he listened, “That’s good. Have you started learning any of the songs I gave you yet?”

Bobby nodded and started plucking out the chords for Now or Never as Luke bobbed his head along to the melody. “Not bad, Bobby. Why don’t we start there then. Boys, let’s play Now or Never.”

We all got set up on our instruments and played. With Bobby, we sounded better than we ever had before. It was like the missing element had finally been added and now we were complete.

“...Living like it’s now or never. It’s now or never…” Luke sang the last words of the song as the music slowly faded out. “That was amazing.”

“I really liked it,” Reggie agreed and Bobby quietly nodded.

“It was good,” I said, smiling unable to take my eyes off Luke and how impassioned he was when he sang. Not only that, but his smile was so big and his happiness radiated off him to infect all of us.

Luke caught me staring and I felt my heart melt. I wanted so badly for us to be normal, for us to not have to hide in the darkness and be afraid of what others might think of us. I knew that Luke didn’t care about me being out, but he did care about me being happy and I wasn’t happy being someone that wasn’t me. I wanted to be out for us, for Luke and for myself, but I needed more courage.

Baby steps.

I came out to Reggie and I should come out to Bobby. We were a band. The closest thing to family I had besides my actual family. It didn’t feel right not to be my whole self with them, especially because of Luke.

I stood up from behind my drums, keeping my eyes locked on Luke because I didn’t think I could do this without his presence guiding me. He looked at me with the warmest, kindest eyes that were confused but willing to roll with whatever I was doing. As I took Luke’s hand, I saw Bobby notice the contact between us.

I cleared my throat, nerves bubbling just under the surface. I blinked and took a breath to center myself. “Bobby, since you’re a member of Sunset Curve now, I just wanted you to know….” I paused and took another breath as Bobby fixed his eyes on me. “I’m gay. Luke’s my boyfriend.”

Bobby shrugged. “Cool.”

“Cool,” I repeated, glancing over at Luke unsure what to say next.

“Sunset Curve is a band for everyone,” Luke explained. “We’re inclusive here. It doesn’t matter who someone loves or how they identify. As long as that’s okay with you, you’re welcome here.”

“Yeah. No problem here,” Bobby confirmed and I let out another breath as Luke squeezed my hand in his. Nodding his head, he looked down at his guitar as he continued to practice.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Luke whispered to me a few seconds later.

“I know, but it wasn’t for you,” I told him. “I wanted to,” I admitted out loud to him and he smiled at me, kissing my hand and holding it to his chest.

“You’re a lot braver than you think, Alex,” He said quietly like we were in a world of our own. I looked into his stormy blue-gray eyes and I could imagine drowning in them.

“I don’t want to be afraid of who I am anymore,” I continued to speak, trying to make sense of why this was so important for me to do.

Luke nodded, “You do whatever makes you happy and I’ll be right here.”

I knew what had to happen next.

…

Dad was expecting me home and after the last time, I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want the dinners or the expectations. I didn’t want to be someone that I wasn’t. I was so tired of lying and hiding myself.

I didn’t tell Luke about it because I really didn’t want him to worry about me and even though I wished he was here right now, I knew I had to do this alone. This was my fight and I was going to try my best.

I got home and I went straight to my room. I had never been more nervous in my life, but this had to happen. I couldn’t be afraid of them or their judgment anymore. This was my life and I knew that whatever happened, I had the band on my side always and especially I had Luke.

I stood in front of the mirror and saw myself, tried to see the me that Luke saw and not just the perpetually anxious teenager who just can’t seem to figure himself out.

“I’m gay,” I tried to say the words. They came out in a whisper and felt foreign on my tongue, but they didn’t feel wrong.

I licked my lips and repeated myself. “I’m gay.” The words were stronger this time, more real, more right.

One more time. “Dad, I’m gay,” I spoke into the mirror, no hesitation or fear in my voice. I was steady, calm. I could do this and I would be okay.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and then made my way down the stairs. I could hear my parents talking to each other in the kitchen. The conversation was familiar.

“Alexander needs more discipline and structure. We should have sent him away to boarding school when he started high school,” my dad, Matthew Mercer, was saying.

It was clear my mom didn’t agree with him, but because she was a proper Christian lady, she didn’t often stand up for herself in situations or for me.

“We can’t send him in the middle of the school year though,” she tried.

“Fall semester is coming to an end and we can absolutely get him transferred to Wexley Prep in Vermont for Spring semester,” Dad reiterated his point, making it more final.

“I’m not going, Dad,” I said as I entered the kitchen. I still had on Luke’s pink hoodie, now my pink hoodie. “I don’t want to leave my school, my friends, my band,” I told him. It was hard to look him in the eye, but I was trying and I could feel my heart picking up speed.

“This isn’t up to you, Alexander,” He explained, “I’m doing this for your own good, so that you can work towards becoming a valued, proper member of society.”

“I’m not going,” I said again, “but I didn’t come here to tell you that. I came here to saying something else, something that has been eating away inside of me for years.” I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes, but I held my ground.

My dad walked around the kitchen island and slowly towards me. He didn’t break eye contact and even though, I was shaking, his gaze kept me firmly rooted where I was standing.

“And what is it you had to say to me?” He asked, voice perfectly even.

The words caught in the back of my throat, but I had to say them. “Dad, I’m gay. I like boys. Luke is my boyfriend,’ I let it all out in a breath. The relief was instant, but also short-lived. I was blindsided by the image of my father’s raised hand ready to slap me across the face and every sensation that came rushing at me afterwords.

My mother’s piercing scream rang out and echoed through the spacious room. “MATTHEW! NO!” The light caught on her gold cross necklace for a moment as I tried to get her to look at me. She didn’t or wouldn’t. Maybe she couldn’t.

His hand balled into a fist as he held his anger before slowly lowering his hand back to his side.

I couldn’t breathe. The tears in my eyes couldn’t help, but spill onto my cheeks. He didn’t hit me, but I still felt it. My cheeks burned with the phantom pain of it.

I could barely hear him as he said, “We don’t say that word in this house. You are not one of those kind of people, not an abomination to the church.”

My mother watched in stunned silence. I tried to summon the strength I had from earlier, “I’m not an abomination, but I am gay. There’s nothing wrong with me, Dad. I’m not broken,” I explained, but everything sounded so hollow. It wasn’t reaching him.

“This isn’t what we hoped for, you aren’t the son that we hoped for.” He shook his head, clearly disappointed. “Worthless to the Mercer legacy.”

“I’m the son that you have and I’m exactly who I’m supposed to be,” Alex told Mr. Mercer, his voice wavering slightly.

“What makes you think you know who you’re supposed to be?” He asked Alex.

“Dad…” My voice was so small, “I’m sorry, but…”

“Get out of my sight.” He had turned his back on me and I was at a loss with what to say or do.

“Mom…” I tried to reach out and appeal to her, but she had never gone against anything my father said or did. For a moment, our eyes locked and I could see the sparkle of tears not cried. My father’s hand was touching her waist, turning her away from me and holding her in place at his side. My heart hurt.

I fought the final battle in a war I had been waging all of my life, but it felt like I had lost.

I was rooted firmly to the spot I was standing as my world began to crumble. It took several moments before I could rip myself away. I had run out of words to say, but my tears were only just beginning.

I packed a bag, taking off Luke’s hoodie for the first time in weeks and cramming it away before I left the Mercer family house, not knowing if I’d ever come back to a home.

_..._

I was sobbing by the time I got to Luke’s house. After his parents let me in, I stormed into his bedroom. “Luke, they hate me,” I managed to get out a few words between the sobs that wracked through my body. It was hard to breathe.

He tried to calm me down, but I was so tightly wound, it was a near impossible task. I wasn’t able to listen to reason.

He didn’t know yet what I did tonight, what I gave up.

“Alex, talk to me. Slow down and tell me what happened?” he was speaking so softly and holding his hands out towards me in case I needed him to hold me, but I didn’t want to be held. I didn’t want to be touched even though I wished I did.

I was shaky and exhausted from crying. “I came out to my parents,” I admitted. I crossed my arms across my chest, holding myself together.

“Was it bad?” he asked, probably having an idea what happened after seeing me, but he wanted me to tell my story.

“He wanted to slap me, but my mom stopped him. He said I wasn’t the son they hoped I’d be and that I wasn’t a part of the Mercer legacy,” I mumbled, my voice crackly and raw. “I’m supposed to be his son, Luke, and he said I wasn’t good enough.” My voice broke and I couldn’t stop the tears.

“Oh god, Alex, I’m so sorry that happened. That’s awful, but you are good enough. More than good enough,” Luke tried to tell me. “It sucks that he can’t see that.”

I couldn’t hear him over the crushing weight of my own thoughts. I shook my head and chewed on my bottom lip. “He doesn’t love me.”

“Alex, I love you.”

I wasn’t listening. Everything was happening so fast, I was overwhelmed and I had too many thoughts that the words Luke said to me never reached me, even though he was standing with his arms open waiting for me to let him be my comfort. I just couldn’t though and when I did speak, it was the worst possible sentence.

“I can’t do this, Luke, I’m sorry. I want to break up,” I yelled, heart racing and my breathing heavy like I couldn’t get enough oxygen to my lungs. Luke’s eyes glistened with tears that matched mine.

“Alex…” He said, never sounding so confused or defeated. He reached for me like he was going to pull me into one of his warm bear hugs. I should have let him, but I pulled away as fast as I could. I didn’t want to be in the same room as him right now. What I wouldn’t have given to be safe in his arms at this moment because it felt like the world was opening up and swallowing me whole. I didn’t know if I would be okay because everything was falling apart and every fiber of my being buzzed and screamed with anxious energy.

“If I can’t be who I’m supposed to be, I should just be alone.” I pushed his pink hoodie, the one he had given me back into his open hands and left.

…

Alex knew he was emotional. Telling his story and bringing up all the dark parts of his past hurt. Even though it had technically been 25 years, these things that happened were still so much a part of his identity.

“That’s awful, Alex. I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Willie spoke softly, seeing how fragile Alex looked. He reached out to touch the boy in the pink hoodie, to hold him, and Alex didn’t pull away.

The blonde boy let himself melt into Willie’s embrace, staying quiet and just holding tightly to this boy who he was starting to fall so fast for.

“You know, you’re really brave,” Willie whispered into his ear. “Much braver than I ever was,” He continued, admitting something that he’d never told anyone about.

“What do you mean,” Alex asked, pulling back just enough so he could look Willie in the eye.

“I mean I never got to come out to my parents. I was in that accident before I got the chance,” He explained. “I don’t know what they would have said, but they did think I was wasting my time skateboarding.”

“God, Willie. I’m sorry...Do you think it’s like your unfinished business?” Alex asked him, concerned.

Willie shrugged, “Maybe. It doesn’t matter anymore. I know who I am and I have you.” He offered Alex a smile and the blonde boy hugged Willie tightly.

“You always have me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn't make everyone as upset as it made me writing it. I'm gonna fix everything next chapter. Promise. 
> 
> Kudos and Comments are really appreciated. <3

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to leave kudos and comments. <3 I love hearing what y'all think.


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